Miss Lonelyhearts

Readers respond to Frustrated
DEAR READERS: The letter from Frustrated in St. Boniface hit a nerve with married women in Winnipeg who go out to the bars and hustle single guys until the end of the night, and then say they're married. He complained about being treated in a hurtful way. Here are some of the letters -- from women, about why they do it, and what they think he should do: Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm married with children, and when I go out to the bar and men look at me, I find it very satisfying to know I'm still attractive. I don't lead men on, or approach them, but when I'm approached, I will engage in conversation. Only when asked, will I reveal that I'm married. Most times I will get the, "We're only talking right? No harm!" or "He's not here, is he?" I think the thrill is "I could have done it, if I wanted to, but I didn't!" Yet, I know of many men who are actually attached and, unlike most woman, will not reveal that, until after they have slept with that person. My advice to Frustrated is, "Ask the woman before you dance and have a good time, if she has a husband or boyfriend" and make your decision from there. -- Sensible Way To Deal, Winnipeg
View Full Column | 1:00 AM | 0
Pick up the phone and be kind when you break it off
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a young woman of 24 on the weekend who stayed two nights and left on Sunday night, and is apparently "in love" now. I took it as a fun weekend -- she went to bed with me the first night. And, now she's calling it "love at first sight." She's been texting me with "girlfriend" type chat every half hour ever since, and today she signed her name "Love you, babes." I'm not her babe, and I don't love her. How do I get rid of her? Do I have to tell her to her face? -- Suffocating, Osborne Village Dear Suffocating: When you let a one-night stand turn into a whole weekend, it may be mistaken for something more. Thinking she's "in love' at this early date is ridiculous, but it's how she feels. You have to sit her down and tell her you thought you were having a fun time, not a falling-in-love time, and now you have to bow out. She will be hurt and possibly angry, but it has to be done. The telephone would be kinder as she can hear your tone, whereas texting is cold and can be misinterpreted. Plus, texts can be sent on to her friends to read.
View Full Column | 05/15/2012 1:00 AM | 0
‘Trapped’ needs to plan her escape from marriage hell
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This is in response to Trapped, the woman who feels she is doomed to stay in a living hell of a marriage. Her reason for not accepting friends’ suggestions to stay for dinner and socialize (she has to make her husband’s dinner every night) offers a clue. The husband can heat up something — leftovers, a frozen dinner, order in a pizza, or make a sandwich. She needs time with her friend(s) and their support in planning a departure from this hell. To not be overwhelmed, she needs to make step-by-step plans. Her list should include information from a real estate agent, a place for pets to stay during transition, medical advice, moving companies’ rates, want ads to find a duplex, apartment or small house with a garden for her pets. And she really needs legal advice.
View Full Column | 05/14/2012 1:00 AM | 0
'Trapped' needs to plan her escape from marriage hell
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This is in response to Trapped, the woman who feels she is doomed to stay in a living hell of a marriage. Her reason for not accepting friends' suggestions to stay for dinner and socialize (she has to make her husband's dinner every night) offers a clue. The husband can heat up something -- leftovers, a frozen dinner, order in a pizza, or make a sandwich. She needs time with her friend(s) and their support in planning a departure from this hell. To not be overwhelmed, she needs to make step-by-step plans. Her list should include information from a real estate agent, a place for pets to stay during transition, medical advice, moving companies' rates, want ads to find a duplex, apartment or small house with a garden for her pets. And she really needs legal advice. Each step will boost self-esteem and give an increasing sense of purpose. Once in a new space with her pets, the feeling of relief and new possibilities will more than make up for the effort and uncertainty of this life transition. To look after herself, she could make a list of 50 things that she enjoys, and do one of these things every day. -- Been There, Done That, Winnipeg
View Full Column | 05/14/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Listen to your mother, and show her that you love her
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother -- the Queen of the World -- lives far away in Vancouver. I always phone her on Mother's Day evening to say hello, which isn't good enough for her. She wants me to write a mushy card and send her flowers "like the other mothers get." She outright told me that. I have a decent job but can't afford a lot, and explained all that to her, but she was still hurt and peevish. I love her lots, but isn't this too much to ask? What do you suggest? -- Winnipeg Son, St. Vital Dear Winnipeg Son: It's not too much to give a tangible Mother's Day gift to a woman who gave you life and took care of you for all those years. For this year, with no time left to make a big change, send a mushy online card immediately, with a big photo of flowers. Then phone her and tell her how much you love and appreciate her, and all she's done for you, and walk her through picking the card up online and printing it for herself. For next year, here's a hot tip: Wiring flowers costs a lot of money, but you can bet your mom would be more than happy to get you the phone number of the florist nearest her. Call directly, well before the event, chat up the florist give a credit card number and be sure to dictate a loving card to go with it. Your momma wants to show her friends you love her, with the real flowers. Quite understandable. Frankly, you're lucky she tells you directly what would please her, rather than having her silently hurt on a special day.
View Full Column | 05/13/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Don't blow your stack
You can't always play the same way, but when you mix up things up, make sure the decisions you make don't lead to future mistakes. In poker, one mistake can lead to another. In a pot where you might have got off without losing a penny, making that first mistake (and everything else that follows) can end up costing you big-time. This week I played an interesting hand that illustrates this.
View Full Column | 05/13/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Try to outsmart your mom when she comes to visit
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother is just starting to lose her marbles and she's stealing things from my house -- stuff she doesn't even need. The woman is wealthy, for heaven's sake. My dad died and left her tons of life insurance. But she still seems to think she's poor. She always comes for Sunday dinner with my aunt (whom she lives with) and she will nick something. Last weekend she stole a roll of toilet paper, and before that it was a brooch. She forgot and opened her purse to get her gloves and I caught sight of it sparkling. I pulled it out and said, "Mom, why are you stealing from me?" and she said "I'm not stealing anything. I gave you life, little girl!" I am 65. She seems to think everything I own belongs to her. I don't know what to do, but I am uneasy now, and she's coming for Mother's Day. I shouldn't have to nail everything down. Help! -- Upset Daughter, St. Vital Dear Upset: Mom's getting a little bit dotty, which means you probably don't have that many years with her left. So, make it a little game and outsmart her. Take her purse when she arrives and put it up high so her favourite carrying vehicle is gone, and then secretly move her coat to your bedroom and lock the door to keep your jewelry safe. If you see something poking out of her clothes, quietly take it back, give her a hug and say nicely, "Mom, we can buy you one with your big bucks next week" and get right on to the next topic! Old relatives are bound to get a bit squirrelly -- and so might you, one day. Don't make a big deal out of little things she tries to pinch, and enjoy her. If she's losing parts of her socialization, you should get her in to a see a doctor who specializes in geriatric issues and who may be able to slow down the deterioration.
View Full Column | 05/12/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Let ex go, cherish your new sobriety
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was dating a man for two years when I had all my drug and alcohol problems and he put up with all my crap. He was always there for me, especially when I went through rehab. Once I got clean and sober, he started distancing himself. Why? His greatest wish for me was that I could find the guts to stand on my own two feet. Everything is good except now he only wants to see me every once in awhile. I think I want to be single now, but I have such a bond with my ex who went through so much for me. -- Sober and Confused, Downtown Dear Downtown: Your ex may be a co-dependent -- a person who needs to be in the position of helping someone, occupying all his time and energy and making him feel like a hero and all-important. The good news is you have arrived at normal and healthy. The bad news is he still needs a project to make himself feel important. It's time for you to let him drift away, cherishing the friendship you had over the years, but knowing you need to find a guy who has no need to save somebody. The last thing you need to do is become addicted again, so your ex will want to be tight with you.
View Full Column | 05/11/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Carefully watch his reaction when you confront him on his drug use
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I recently reconnected with an old friend I was quite close to, back when we were kids. I also have a good ongoing relationship with one of his parents. I suspect my old friend may have a problem with hard drug use, and is not making the best lifestyle choices to impact his own life and those in his family. Should I confront my friend, his parent whom I still speak with, or both at the same time, or not at all? What should I say, since at this point I have no proof, just a very strong assumption. -- Unsure, Unicity Dear Unsure: You need to ask him about the problems he's going through. "I have noticed this and this about you. Are you perhaps using a drug for the pain (depression, stress, sadness?) If he says a quick no, ask about using specific drugs. "Cocaine perhaps?" (Wait for a minute.) "How about prescription drugs like Oxycontin?" Watch his face carefully and pay as much attention to the "ums" and "uhs" and pauses as you do to his words, especially if you think he's lying. Keep the conversation going, so you can gather more information. Don't let him cut you off with one terse word. If that's the world he's living in, you need to know, and you don't want to be part of it. You should mention it to the parent you're close to, and back off the reconnection, as the people he will be seeing to get the drugs are dangerous.
View Full Column | 05/10/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Think long-term: Her family doesn't like you
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been dating interracially for seven months now and we are both in love with each other. Last Christmas she invited me to her hometown in Calgary where I met her mom and dad, but her parents were not very welcoming to me. They didn't really talk to me the all time I was there. When we were out shopping, her dad didn't talk to me if she was not around. Also, her cousin doesn't really talk to me whenever we gather. I talked to my girlfriend about it, and she said that they are just like that with everybody. She also said it might be a culture issue and I'd have to learn to deal with it. I was almost going to break up with her, because I'd had enough. English is not my first language and I feel like they don't really introduce me to the rest of the family. -- So Confused, Winnipeg Dear Confused: This girlfriend can try to make this seem normal all she wants, but the bottom line is you aren't welcomed, never mind loved, by her family. In a simple dating situation, it wouldn't matter as much. But, if you are going to spend a lifetime married to this woman, do you really want this cold family situation? Think long-term right now. A marriage is not just the couple who love each other, but also the significant members of the rest of the family. Love that leads to marriage should be easier than what you're experiencing. Unless you can't live without this woman, it might be smart to find someone who has a family that loves you. Whether it's a new person of your own background or a long-term Canadian of another race, look for a family who really likes you, and will end up loving you.
View Full Column | 05/9/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Concerned readers offer advice to Abused and In Love
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I knew a couple in a similar situation to the one described by Abused and In Love, Tuxedo. The wife was trying to force her husband to leave her so she could keep the house, etc. Instead, he got a restraining order against her and she got very little. The man who wrote must first come to terms with the fact that this woman never loved him and that he fell in love with a lie. He is the victim of a manipulative gold-digger and has the right to beat her at her own game. I suggest he take her somewhere while having video cameras installed to document her abuse. Quietly, he should work to protect whatever assets he can and change his beneficiary on insurance policies, etc. He needs to hire the best divorce lawyer and follow his advice without tipping her off as to what he is doing, because this type of person, possibly a sociopath, is capable of anything. He needs to prepare himself for a nasty divorce. He will need the emotional support of friends and family and he may need physical protection too. --Concerned Lady, Stonewall, Mb. Dear Concerned: It's interesting that so many women have responded -- and not one man. This shows women are just as concerned about abuse to male partners as to female partners and that is gratifying. Your suggestion about the video cameras is excellent, although he doesn't need any more abuse to prove it's happening. I think he should move on this situation with the police now, not after another beating. Phone bashing to the head can give a person a brain injury and/or contribute to deafness. And, abusers get creative and quickly move on to other blunt instruments. Unfortunately, this man is still in the falling-out-of-love process, so you are probably right -- that there will be more and it should be documented.
View Full Column | 05/8/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Your goal should be to leave this living hell
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I live with a drinker. We hardly go anywhere. We haven't had sex for years. He doesn't cook, but he hates to take me out to eat -- except on a burger coupon. I've recently been diagnosed with liver problems, so must limit alcohol consumption and fatty foods -- even less things we can do together. I'm on disability now with several health issues, resulting in limited energy. After housekeeping and making his dinner, I'm too tired to bus anywhere, and money is tight now for me. When a friend suggests I stay for dinner, I can't because I have to make sure he has his dinner. Sometimes I do feel happy/excited about some little thing, but his attitude and comments always spoil it. I look forward to nothing. At one time I loved him very much and, despite his problems, believed my love could conquer all. He contributes money to the house and does basic yard maintenance. I'm not up to organizing all my belongings, selling my house, then moving to a suite where I'd have to give up my dog and cat (my ONLY source of affection and joy). Anti-depressives would only mask the problems. Can you think of any solution? --Trapped and Desperate, Winnipeg. Dear Trapped: You describe a kind of living hell. Your goal should still be to get out of this situation, and into an independent one, with your pets. The love is gone; you lose nothing emotional by leaving, least of all a sex life. You get nothing from this man except a contribution to the house you own. Because your self-esteem is so low, your first stop should be Al-Anon (943-6051) where you will meet other people whose lives have been deeply affected by a drinker, and are finding ways to escape the trap. You'll learn to build up your own social life, independent of him, while you're still with him. A part-time job -- even volunteering -- would help to elevate you. Any advice and resources from readers would be appreciated, so please write in and your answers will be published in an upcoming column.
View Full Column | 05/7/2012 1:00 AM | 0
You will likely be a flash in his 'pan'
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm deeply in love with a man who wants to have me as his major lover. But, this weekend he exploded a bomb. He says he will be seeing other "partners" casually. I guess a clue should have been that he was married when I started having sex with him, so he's used to having multiple lovers in his life. Miss L., he is the best lover I have ever known -- passionate and inventive and amazing stamina! But now I know he gets sex whenever he wants it, and he's so hot-looking he can get it from whomever he wishes. I should mention he also sees men once in a while. I thought this would all stop with my being his main woman and our being "in love." He does say he's crazy about me. I don't know where to turn. He told me he's "pansexual" last night. What does that mean? What should I do? Don't tell me to bail because I can't. I'm addicted to him. -- Going Nuts, River Heights Dear Nuts: A dictionary definition of pansexual is "not limited or inhibited in sexual choice" with regards to activities or gender of partner(s). You stay; you play by his rules. With his wife out of the way, and more time available, he plans to be a busy boy. You may be No.1, but there's a lineup behind you, and he's put you on notice of that fact. You don't want to bail? Then you'll have to bump along until the good feelings are all gone, your emotions are in shreds, and you can't stand another minute. The sex won't seem so wonderful by then. But, then there'll be the very serious matter of your ruined self-esteem. See a counsellor now to help you with your changing perspectives, and the "letting go." And, always use a condom with this man and get checked regularly for sexually-transmitted infections.
View Full Column | 05/6/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Give neighbour chance to quiet dogs
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: After spending day after day listening to our neighbour's dogs, we need advice on how to tell her nicely that the barking is annoying, without damaging our friendship. It's not bad in winter because we are not outside now, but when it's nice we have to listen to her dogs constantly and we are totally disgusted. Our problem is we live in a rural area and need advice quickly or we will have a terrible summer again. -- Annoyed By Dogs Barking Dear Annoyed: It sounds like you haven't told her even once. Grumbling behind her back is not fair. Give your neighbour a chance to rectify the situation by telling her this: "Maybe we're not used to the sound like you are, and you may not even notice this, but the dogs are barking a lot and making it uncomfortable for us to be outside." She may feel badly, and that may be the end of it. She may keep the dogs in more, especially when she's not at home, and they are lonely or hungry or uncomfortable with the temperature in their enclosure. If she doesn't respond to that first communication, tell her more firmly. Then you start calling the authorities about the noise. At that point, she has to know she has caused the problem because she's had two warnings already. Most city neighbours would just put in the call.
View Full Column | 05/5/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Say goodbye to boss, start your own biz
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm going crazy trying to deal with my creepy boss -- the owner of this small but lucrative company. He pays me twice what any other executive assistant would get paid, but he expects me to do ALL his work. "That's why I pay you the big bucks!" is what he says to me when he shuts his door and goes inside to play games on his computer, talk to his girlfriend (the jerk is married) and watch porn. I literally run his workplace for him, and make his money (considerable -- I even do the sales) while he does nothing. I need the money, but I don't need the aggravation. If I had the money I could set up a rival business and beat his butt into the ground, but I don't have it. What should I do? -- Highly Paid Sucker, Winnipeg Dear Sucker: You are being loyal to what -- the money? You can get that money and more as a full-fledged manager or salesperson at a rival company. As an addendum to your resumé, enumerate skills and responsibilities you have had for this operation. Here's a risky and more exciting idea -- if you're really good at what you do, and it seems you are, this could be the time you borrow money and go out on your own with a start-up business. Get a loan from a bank, relatives, outside investors or a combination of these and call on female business owners you know for advice. If you do well, your years as a "sucker" are turned into the foundation of a real money-maker for you.
View Full Column | 05/4/2012 3:16 AM | 0
You should get tested for STDs if you think husband played along
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm so mad I have been screaming the house down! My husband brought his guy friends into our house, while I was away on holiday, for a poker party. That's not the worst! I've just found evidence there were women here. The poker prizes were not all money. The garbage bag on the back porch ripped, and I found booze bottles, cigar ends, hard liquor bottles -- and whipped cream aerosol cans. What group of guys needs 10 whipped cream cans? My husband admits they weren't alone, but is holding back from telling the whole truth. He swears the other guys might have been doing things, but HE didn't do anything. Do you believe him? -- Horrified Wife, Winnipeg Dear Horrified: No matter what happened later, Hubby let them in to your house, and I'll bet it wasn't at gunpoint. You have to decide what you want to believe, as these guys are not likely going to rat each other out. You might call some of the wives, however, to ensure it never happens again. And you might want to use a barrier method of birth control, like a good quality latex condom, and get yourself tested for sexually-transmitted diseases if you suspect he did partake.
View Full Column | 05/3/2012 3:16 AM | 0
Get out, abusive woman not who you fell in love with
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm desperately in love with a woman who's started abusing me in the last few months. She treated me like gold for two years, until we got married -- something she really pushed for. As soon as she knew she had me for 50 per cent (I'm a wealthy man) she started hitting me on the arm and telling me to shut up, then across the back, then slapping my face and last night she hit with the telephone receiver in the head and I almost passed out. I don't know what to do. I can't bring myself to hit her back. She is/was everything to me for so long. We have no children. I am totally heartbroken. She treated our dog better than she treats me. The other day she said "Shut up! You belong to me now." Please help. -- Abused and In Love, Tuxedo Dear Abused: Abusers of either sex can pretend to be something they're not for a couple of years if they have a goal in mind -- like a major settlement on divorcing. When they think they have achieved ownership through marriage, the sweetness goes, and the game changes. What you're seeing now is what this woman truly is, and if you were able to check with a former man in her life, you'd probably find out she abused him too. You should call the police, so she is charged and put on notice and doesn't keep getting away with this, with you or anybody. But, it's not so easy because you're still feeling romantic towards her. So, let me try and help with that. Think about this: She is not the person you thought she was. The love you thought you felt was love for a false front, a persona, a fake. You were fooled by a gold-digger with practised moves and it's not your fault. Don't warn her ahead you're pulling the plug, as you never know how evil people can be. If you can't summon up what it takes to leave, see a counsellor to help you see the truth of the situation, strengthen your backbone -- and extricate yourself from this with the least loss. Final thought: This was not your true love. Keep that thought in the front of your mind.
View Full Column | 05/2/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Get out, make some new friends and move ahead with your life
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My lifelong friend and I had a falling out. We're both girls in our mid-20s. Through the years, I've been the best, most supportive and reliable friend this girl ever had. She was bisexual, now admits to being a lesbian, and has found some lesbians to date. I was happy for her! She was my only close friend, but now I get the impression she has a new circle of friends, and I don't fit in. It's pathetic how she'd been treating me before the fight. She told me she'd hang out with me on a Friday, but when I told her I was on my way, she said she wasn't at home. We played phone tag until 11 p.m. I showed up at her apartment upset and told her I want things I'd lent to her back. To her surprise, I said, "No, I can't stay and drink, it has gotten too late to hang out." Angrily, she said she wouldn't have left her other friends, had she known I didn't want to hang out. "And thanks a lot, I should have known you would do this to me, you're a real unreliable friend." What a low blow! There must be genuine women out there who'd be happy to have me as a friend. I'm sick of feeling lonely for a female social life with real and genuine girlfriends. -- Old Friend, Winnipeg Dear Old Friend: The only reason you're obsessing over this friendship, which is way past its due date, is you don't have other girlfriends, or a boyfriend. My wise Aunt Isobel lived to 100 -- and she taught me something invaluable: You must consciously keep on making friends every year of your life. Take on new people, be friendly, get to know then, invite them to your house for dinner and out for activities. So dub Spring 2012 your first of many friend-making campaigns. Join a sport like Ultimate Frisbee, full of people your age of both sexes and very social. Call Habitat for Humanity and see if you can get involved. Invite people from work or your classes to go for a coffee or a bite to eat after class. Have a dinner party at your house. Call your cousins, brothers and sisters for Sunday dinners. Join artsy classes or a running club, learn to kayak, windsurf -- just get out there and keep adding new friends. Then have a party and introduce everybody to each other, and do everyone a favour.
View Full Column | 05/1/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Give back the ring, say goodbye to him
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 20 with a man of 27. I've known this guy for a number of years, but we'd lost touch for many years. He found me on a yearbook website last October. We met up and hit it off. We've been together six months, and are engaged. The thing is, I don't think he's ready to settle down. He's lied about little things throughout our whole relationship. There are times where he doesn't come home when he says he will, and he'll disappear for days. He says he's with his relatives, but I don't know what to believe. He's lied so much. Recently, he's "with his family" most of the time. He's always talking on his cell phone when I ask him to spend time with me. I also found out his cousin hates me for no reason, and he doesn't defend me to her. Please help me. -- Sincerely Confused, Winnipeg
View Full Column | 04/30/2012 3:16 AM | 0
Say goodbye to kinky woman if you're not into it
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have been going out with a woman for a few months. All was perfect. She had won my complete trust after a month. But now she knows I'm head-over-heels, she's starting to ask for kinky sex. I said yes to some borderline stuff like bondage and such -- no big deal. But now she wants me to dress in women's underwear and I'm choking. Last night she said, "If you loved me, you'd do what I want." I was so mad. I said, "If you loved me, you wouldn't want to humiliate me. These things aren't normal." She said, "Well my old boyfriend used to do anything I wanted because he loved me!" I took off the frilly underwear, threw it at her, and left. The problem is I miss all the rest of the relationship -- we were so compatible. But, how can I bend myself out of shape for her? It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Dear Sick Stomach: If you stayed with this woman, it would be all about her sexual needs/kicks and not about you. Look for a new woman who is similar in interests and sense of humour. You'll have to forget about the woman you just left. She needs a guy who's into the same game, and you don't have the feeling to play her submissive and wear women's underwear and pretend to be humiliated. You're simply not matched at the kinky parts. Because she's not The One, walking away doesn't mean you've lost your true love. Don't waste any more time wondering if you can turn yourself into the bedmate she wants you to be, and don't expect her to change. She doesn't want to.
View Full Column | 04/29/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Privately, share family secret
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm sitting on family secret that's killing me. I'm the oldest child. My mother left me a letter to open exactly one year after she died. I opened it a week ago and I'm stunned. It turns out the last two kids in our large family belong to another man. We know him! He worked in a trade and we had a lot of renovations done to our house over the years as the family grew. This guy has the same colouring and looks a lot like our father so the kids fit in and no one would ever know. How would she know those two are her lover's, unless she and my dad weren't having sex, and how would my father not know? What should I say to my siblings? Why did she tell me? Our sweet, kind dad died a few years ago, so he isn't here to learn this from me, thank God. The other man is alive. -- Shocked At My Mother's News, Winnipeg Dear Shocked: Perhaps your mom wanted a year's grace to let the will go through before any of this came out. Or, she was ambivalent about telling the youngest two, but didn't want them never to know, if you thought they needed to find out (for health reasons, for instance). If she died without telling even one person, the truth would be lost forever, unless her affair partner brought it out. As for your father not knowing the truth, it could be your parents had infrequent sex and she could cover a pregnancy with her lover, by initiating sex with her husband, after the first missed period. Lots of babies come a few weeks earlier or later than the calculated due date and women can lie about that, to an extent. What should you do? People deserve to know the truth about their own parentage. So tell the "kids" involved who their bio-dad is by making them copies and showing them the original letter. Give them time to digest the information privately -- don't announce this at a family gathering. They may want to confront their blood father, or let it go. (There's a ghost of chance he doesn't know either.)
View Full Column | 04/28/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Throw away her number
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Six years ago I dropped this sweet, sensible woman for another woman who turned out to be a beautiful wreck -- creative, alcoholic, bulimic, with a taste for cocaine. She was almost the death of me. We finally broke off jaggedly, and I'm free of her for six months. I've dated a little since, mostly off Plenty of Fish but found a lot of bottom feeders. Then I see this woman at Portage Place who looked like the sweet woman I broke up with. I came up to her. It wasn't her, but it was her younger sister who used to like me. She was only 16 and I was 22 when I was seeing her sister. Now she must be 22 herself. I asked her how her sister was doing, and she said she got married. I said I hoped she was happy, though I didn't. Then the funniest thing happened. She's the same height as me and she reached over and kissed me on the lips and said, "I always had a crush on you and I dreamed of doing that." Then she said "I guess I better go" and she wrote her number on a card for me. Now what do I do? -- Lonely and Tempted, Downtown Dear Tempted: Now you throw the card away! You could ruin the relationship between two sisters who should love and support each other for a lifetime, by coming back into their family circle this way. There are many other women in the world -- sweet women at that -- who are not related to your ex-girlfriend. Just stay away now. This young woman fulfilled her fantasy, and it should be left at that.
View Full Column | 04/27/2012 1:00 AM | 0
You owe him the truth, not your number
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I saw a creepy-looking man at the Safeway the other day and he followed me around the store, looking sideways. He was so obvious. Finally, he came right up to me, and I jumped. He said, "Don't you remember me?" It was my old boyfriend from Red River with a long beard and unkempt hair and you could have knocked me over with a feather. He talked to me for awhile about his life, and I heard from him he was out of work awhile and he hinted broadly he needed a place to park his boots. He asked how big my place was, and did I have any room mates these days? At the end of the conversation he asked me for my phone number and, shame on me, I gave him a made-up number. Now I feel very nervous to go back to the store, because what if I run into him again? How do I explain what I did? Did I owe him the courtesy of my true phone number? -- Feeling Guilty, Osborne Village Dear Feeing: You didn't owe him your number, but you did owe him the truth. "I don't feel comfortable giving out my phone number" would have made you feel uncomfortable for a few minutes as you said good-bye and beat a hasty exit, but you'd have felt less guilty and uncomfortable in the long run. It's good to have a general line like that to use when you get flustered. Polite Canadians have a hard time saying no when they mean no. They end up doing the cowardly thing which is to make stuff up. It is sad this old boyfriend has fallen on hard times, but it's not up to you to provide a bed for him.
View Full Column | 04/26/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Try counselling before you cheat
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a wife to a wonderful husband of two years. We dated for 16 years beforehand. But, ever since we got married, our sex life went from every night to every three months. I'm very tired of my situation. I'm still young and have young men attempting to attract me. I feel tempted to cheat, but I don't know what to do. I have this need that's not being fulfilled by my husband. I also feel lost and not attractive when he rejects me. Please help. -- Confused Wife Dear Confused: It seems the marriage situation has stopped the feeling of being lovers for your man. Before you do any cheating, insist you both go to a relationship counsellor and try to work out the problem. If you were active nightly lovers for 16 years, something was very right for a long time. So what changed? Did he not want to get married, and you insisted? Does marriage make you look like a mother figure to him -- or perhaps The Warden? Did he rebel against getting married by finding a new woman and he's still getting his nightly sex? There are a lot of things that need bringing out into the open. Maybe you'll need to get divorced in order for him to feel sexy again with you. But then, do you want a man who is handicapped in this way?
View Full Column | 04/25/2012 1:00 AM | 0
Break up now, for his benefit and for yours
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm caught up in a situation I don't know how to fix. For two years I've been dating this man I met online. We have a really nice time together, although he's way more into me. I've been so polite in this relationship he doesn't know the real me. I truly didn't see myself going out with him for more than a few dates, but I liked the dating. The problem is I'm not "in love" with him, although I do love him. I need to break it off for his well-being and mine too, but there is a part of me that's scared of being alone again. We get along really well, but we come from very different backgrounds. If I stay with him, I'll just end up resenting him and feeling like I "settled." I don't know how to handle this -- I am very much going to miss him in my life, but I know I can't live my life in fear, too. The thought of starting over just sickens me, then I think I should stay with him. -- So Confused, Winnipeg Dear Confused: Your true love may be around the corner but you're not willing to put in the effort to get out there so you can find him. You must tell the truth to this boyfriend right away, as you'll feel relieved once it's over with. It's not fair to him or to you, left the way it is. It takes some effort and you might feel a little lonely at first, but you can bump up your activities and invite friends out to the patios for coffees -- and tell them to bring their single friends. Spring and summer are coming and that's the best time to meet people -- everyone's out and about. Don't even go home from work! Make plans to meet people, and cut your computer time way down. Get out where you can meet people in person and see if you really connect right away. There's actually no justification for staying with this fellow as it's wasting his time and preventing him from meeting a woman who falls in love with him.
View Full Column | 04/24/2012 1:00 AM | 0

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